Century

This is my 100th GenesisDreams entry. It doesn’t feel like that many at all.
Sometimes I feel like I’m slipping away over here into a completely different world. It’s hard to explain, and I’m not sure if I like it. My life here now is very different to how it was back home. I don’t think I’ve illustrated that very well in the GenesisDreams entries I’ve made since coming here. I’ve accepted it, take it as the norm, and so on the surface, when I write about things occurring in my life, all of the superficial things probably seem very similar to how it is back home. I don’t have a very objective perspective, so I can’t say for sure, but that’s the impression I get reading over what I’ve written. I don’t think it appears like much has changed at all. Would anyone out there like to comment on this one way or another (Brendan, you’re probably the most objective person who reads this blog, I’d appreciate hearing what you think).
I feel like I’ve lived a century’s worth of years these past couple of months. I have been challenged in ways I never imagined, I have seen things I previously only dreamed about and I have participated in “stuff” beyond my comprehension. I have communicated, interacted, drank, lost, kissed, fondled, jumped, watched, hid, hit, missed, wallowed, yelled, run, listened, played, bled, shuffled, kicked, washed, fucked, talked, driven, fallen, tickled, tripped, worried, screamed, nodded, waited, learnt, enjoyed, shrugged, slept, dealt, spewed, ate, laughed, thought, hugged, tasted, read, dreamt, wished and longed with a frequency and ferocity far outstripping anything before, and in more ways than I can describe. I am still very much myself, but I feel like a completely different person. I feel like nobody knows me now, least of all myself. In the past I would have hated that, I need to know; now I’m just not sure. I really don’t know whether I like it or not.
the sun is casting shadows
an afternoon is fading
I ask, but no one knows
the answer to the question
my life is like an island
where does this ocean go?
From Where Does This Ocean Go? by Ilaria Graziano off the Ghost In the Shell – Stand Alone Complex OST.

5 thoughts on “Century

  1. Caminante, no hay camino
    Caminante, no hay camino,
    se hace camino al andar.
    Al andar se hace el camino,
    y al volver la vista atrás
    se ve la senda que nunca
    se ha de volver a pisar
    Antonio Machado (Spanish, 1875-1939)
    Keep moving forward Michael.

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  2. So, I’m a little confused. Feeling like a ‘completely different person’ with a ‘very different life’ in a ‘completely different world’ is a good or bad thing? Or is that what you’re unsure of?
    When you do find out, let me know 😉

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  3. It’s what I’m unsure of. I don’t know whether I like it or not. If you have an answer let _me_ know ^_^

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  4. Hmm – well if you’re asking if it’s clear through your writings on GD that you’ve “changed”, then.. hmm.. I don’t think so. Honestly, reading your blog and talking to you the last few times we have, you have at least seemed like the same Michael I knew back in Brisbane. But on the other hand, reading your thoughts and talking to you online is only a fraction of the person that is “Michael Wignall” – so what it comes down to is how you feel about it, and how you’ve changed. You may be instictively witholding writing something that makes the changes in ‘you’ more overt so that you come across, to your friends back home, as the same person they knew. If you’ve changed, it certainly sounds like it hasn’t been a bad change and that you’ve grown in many many ways. Which is, always, a good thing.
    Your entries over the last few months have been more anecdotal, about adventures around England with your new friends. Which, don’t get me wrong, is great and that’s certainly part of a blog. But for the most part you’ve kept your “feelings” somewhat guarded. There’s been glimpses, to be sure, but your latest entry was the most raw ’emotion’ than any previous one.
    At any rate, you can’t stop change. Did you really think you could pack up, leave your friends and family, and move to a new country and not be “changed” by the experience? I understand why you’re ambivalent towards it – but whether or not you “like” it doesn’t affect if it’s a “good” or “bad” thing. Honestly, it sounds like this change has been more about growth. And I think that’s a good thing.
    Littlewing posted “Keep moving forward Michael.” and I think that’s what it comes down to. You are moving forward and having some incredible experiences. You’re bound to be changed by them, and it can be scary – but keep moving forward mate. You’re going to do great things.

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  5. Thanks to everyone who has written comments here or that I’ve talked to privately about this. Thank you Brendan in particular, you’ve put things in perspective for me, and helping me reaslise the way I was treating this blog (as a very superficial look at my life).

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